I started seeing a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist etc. when I was 13 years old. I was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was 14. I still think the assessment used to indicate mental disease is horseshit.
“Have you ever in your life felt a sense of hopelessness?”
“Yes…. It’s life, you’re meant to feel everything, aren’t you…?”
Multiply that by ten similar questions asking if you have ‘ever in your life’ felt hopelessness, depression, feeling things would never improve… You know, just typical emotions that one tends to feel when things are not going right. I suppose that since I was so young and full of emotions that hearing “Yes” to many big-life-picture questions was disconcerting to the psychologist in particular, but it was also simply human.
When I decided to stop taking medication it was because I was A) too young for it B) felt like a zombie and C) wanted to drink and smoke pot responsibly without medication (lol). The psychologist closed his eyes and described that he was the captain of a ship, and I the passenger, and he was responsible for me as a passenger and by throwing myself off of the ship he was going to be held responsible. It was disdainful conversation that disgusted me because we’re obviously not on a ship and I thought, guess what, genius, it’s my fucking mind. He proceeded to call my father, insult him for letting me not take medication and I’ll never forget the feeling hearing my father stammer just saying he thought he was doing what was best and he wasn’t trying to fuck me up.
It’s been years since those encounters and the odd thing is that now those feelings will devour me, beat within me for entire days like a pulse. I get scared. I’m scared of my future and feel positive and vital some days and others I cannot muster that encouragement. I wonder sometimes and still don’t know if I’m bipolar. I don’t know if that fact matters as much a simply finding a way each day to take myself out of a given moment and see the bigger picture of how this specific moment is contributing to something greater in my empathy or understanding of humanity.
Yesterday I was reading Lenny Letter and this was the horoscope for the Leo:
Remember that spring is coming, because spring always comes. Nothing doesn’t change: inside us and externally. Can you find anything to love about the cold, internally or externally, knowing that it is impermanent? Can you just hang out with it like a temporary guest?