Learning Grace, or Graciousness, or Some Way to Not Be a Huge Bitch

Have you ever seen the show Togetherness? It only lasted two seasons on HBO but it is absolutely fantastic and provided me with one of my all time favorite scenes in television.

Check it: Brett just got out of a crucial couples therapy session with his wife, Michelle. They have been having problems like couples do and she feels more relieved than belittled and all she wants to do is go play kickball with friends. Her rambunctious sister Tina is in town and on the way to kickball, Brett has to just sit in his car with his eyes closed trying to relax and not let his depression seep into him.

So rambunctious Tina walks up to Brett’s car and tells him to basically get up and out because nothing in the world would make his wife Michelle happier than to play a silly game of kickball. Brett essentially says No, I Can’t, I Feel So Shitty. Tina (played AMAZINGLY by Amanda Peet) smiles a mile wide, draw the picture–sunny day, trees in the background, her hair blowing in the wind, and says “See this smile? I’m dead inside.”

Image result for see this smile im dead inside hbo

I’m not the best at describing scenes all that much, go watch the episode to get the full gist, but I think about this scene ALL THE TIME.

I have a huge issue where I cannot hide how I am feeling from people. I’m Brett constantly locked in the car trying to do breathing exercises and hide from the world and reveling in misery when I need to LEARN to be Tina and suck my feelings the fuck up and be gracious with those around me.

Why is this issue of grace coming up at this moment? I’m currently working two jobs, one of which is more interesting and up my alley and pays better and is more social than the other. This is fantastic and I like the work but having a second job that requires nights and weekends basically equates to working 7 days a week and waking up M-F around 6:30 AM and working some days til 9 o’clock at night. I’ve just been supremely exhausted and growing more hostile and bitter about the nights/weekends job because there are also issues of boundaries with the owner which haven’t been a huge deal before but they are now. I.e. the owner texting me at 9:40 at night asking me questions about work, showering me with emails when I can’t communicate about that second job in a professional fashion. Frankly I’m just so fucking tired that I’m growing bitter at the fact I have to hop from place to place to not even make that much more money. It’s a little ridiculous to work seven days a week and still have fiscal sickness.

Alas, frustration boiled over today and I was *this close* to calling it quits on the 2nd job, which I know I will have to soon enough. I just “wish” I had more capability of smiling through the irritation with others. My mom is the same way, she’s extremely obvious about her feelings, especially with coworkers, and I’ve always wondered well, why do you THINK you make them feel uncomfortable? You’re short and give them death stares. 

I do the same exact thing, and I’m a fucking asshole and I need to grow up… Just saying…. Any character flaws YOU want to talk about today? 😉

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