Anxiety Menageries

A few nights ago I smoked a tea joint, which sounds remarkably stupid, and it was rather effective. I hate getting high with a passion, but my boyfriend read that smoking sage and chamomile brings just the slightest buzz to make one sleepy. He has insomnia so it was worth a shot for him. And I’m like… Well… Sure, I guess, I’ll channel my inner sixteen year old and smoke tea, why not?

Lo and behold, it was very nice! Whether it’s a placebo effect or not, you’re not high but just feel more mellow. Maybe that’s the effect of smoking anything, even a cigarette. The notable quality, however, was how my anxiety, which typically overruns my life in a thousand small ways, evaporated. My little chamomile buzz just made me sleepy and I woke up at 6 AM ready to take on the world.

Today I was at work and drank too much coffee and felt somewhat jittery and asked a manager a question and, to my hyper-sensitive mind, it read like I was annoying her when I probably wasn’t. This put me into a mental tailspin sitting at my desk rubbing rose oil on my palms thinking I was going to get fired from my job because assistants are not that necessary, right? If I’m spending hours scanning papers why do they need me, right? If I’m in the front and no one is talking to me it means they are preparing to get rid of me and phase out my position and eventually opt for someone who doesn’t shave their head in the summer and wear dresses everyday, right?

I felt so drained and scared and crippled by my anxiety today at work that it made a stark contrast appear to last night when I was lazily hitting a tea joint watching QVC (because I do get some jollies out of looking at random household objects, like popcorn makers).

I’m deeply fearful of the reality that I’m bridled with tendencies that are out of my control that I will never shake, one of which is the constant fear of how others perceive me. I’m deeply fearful that my constant need to freak out in reaction to any sort of benign criticism will cost me relationships with loved ones or inserting shots of stress into other lives that could send people other than myself into a tailspin.

Tea joints are not an everyday solution to worries on character and stress management, but I also don’t know any sort of way that one can naturally just change the way they think other than, well, taking account of virtually every thought and analyzing why and how that strand has arisen.

This has made me think a lot more about empathy with others and not being to quick to judge. 2017 has already contained a few odd changes of heart and a lot of that has come from looking around and seeing hey, no one knows what the fuck they’re doing and everyone wishes they could change something about themselves. I guess in my case the road to togetherness might be a bit longer than I want it to.

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